The Record
a very serious body of research.
22 treats studied 16 establishments 7 neighborhoods 0 objectivity
The Sweetness Scale
how sweet, historically.
hint —
good ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦ 7
great ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦ 9
absurd ✦✦✦✦✦ 5
too sweet even for me —
The Danger Index
likelihood of returning tomorrow.
negligible ✦✦✦✦ 4
moderate ✦✦✦✦ 4
elevated ✦✦✦✦✦ 5
critical ✦✦✦✦✦✦ 6
containment failure ✦✦✦ 3
For the Record
superlatives. all disputes will be ignored.
sweetest thing on record — The Brewed absurd
most dangerous on record — Allez Cafe containment failure
textures observed — pillowy, fluffy, fudgey, moist and fluffy with delicate cinna crisp edges, dry, moo-ist, crispy melty, chewy with the crisp edges, the good stuff u know, pillowy briochy, crunchy and yet melts in your mouth, flakey but smooshy, crunchy creamy, crispy and soft in the middle, velvet, dense, velvety, dusty, smooooooooth, crumbly, luscious
weirdness on file — Vegan cream (Daisies)
weirdness on file — You eat the flowers (Allez Cafe)
weirdness on file — Matcha latte tastes like weed (Allez Cafe)
weirdness on file — potato donut?! (Downstate Donuts)
sample size n=22 · no further comment